quiet little midwestern life
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april 15, 2008
i want to write something articulate, non-self-pitying, and meaningful about having moved back to illinois now nearly a month ago. something that does not quickly spin downward into "woe is me" lamentations about the missing of friends, the absence of the familiar, and the loss of routine - because this website was never intended for such drivel and i should do my best to view my choice to return with respect to the years it took me to comfortably come to the decision, not in the 27 days i've had in my mother's house drinking skunked beer and eating crackers. (perhaps i should pause the elliot smith before i continue).
that said, i miss my friends incredibly, especially those with whom i had daily contact and close relationships; i miss the city of san francisco and the ease with which i knew it and could navigate it; and i miss the way i lived my life, the places i visited regularly, the knowing what to expect, more or less, when i woke up.
"fairness" is a word i struggle with, but often for my own meanings i cannot find a better one. it's not fair to judge 27 days against years of building a life. it's not fair to romanticize the past, at times quite emotionally painful, and view all those events simply as "lessons learned" through the rose-colored glasses of hindsight. it's not fair to trash all the hopes i have for this move because i write this from a make-shift desk in the living room of the house i grew up in worried about having regressed instead of having moved forward.
there's plenty to be excited about. my attempt at self-employed web development is coming along better than i had imagined and have plenty of work to keep me busy. i've secured an apartment in the city of chicago and move in may 1st (or even before, depending on when the current tenant departs). i've hung out with good friends and begun the reconnection process with the few i have regretted losing contact with. i've spent time with my family, especially my sister, which is something i've been wanting to do more regularly for a long time.
so where's the problem if this move is something i've been wanting and everything is going as good as can be? well, the answer, i suppose, resides in the fact that the "me" who left is still the "me" who arrived. it's unfair of me (there's that word again) to expect that i'll have adjusted by now to a life i haven't lived in several years - despite the strong internal desire to incorporate aspects of a place (read: home) i've sincerely missed.
the truth is i was never quite comfortable in california. never really felt i could make it permanent. unfortunately, as my time here now has surpassed all previous visits since i left 9 years ago, i am remembering i was never quite comfortable in illinois either - which is probably why i left. i'm unsure how to reconcile all of this. and i'm concerned that working from home will isolate me, at least at first, in a city that i grew up around but have no intimacy with. will i really read and write more as a result of living alone, achieve the focus in those areas that i've desperately wanted? or will it turn into a place where i stay stagnant, that allows me to second guess and regret past failures unchecked?
[there was a quotation i was going to put here about self-forgiveness that i can't find in my miscellaneous documents, but that would have been such a cheesy way to tidy up this post and only just barely better than a "we'll see. time will tell" cliched conclusion].
in the face of doubt, nowadays optimism comes so pre-packaged that if you're half-way intelligent you don't even mean to but you view it skeptically looking for the cracks some QA conveyor belt operator overlooked. and you take something that is actually pretty damn good yet note all its flaws, put it back, and go out in search of something else. or at least i do. and what i mean is it's not easy to trust yourself.
i'm not at all religious and since high school i've only walked into church voluntarily once - yes, for a homework assignment with catholic elements, for christmas, for easter, etc - but just one time for no external reason. i was on my way to a housewarming party in russian hill and had decided to walk the few miles as the night was warm and pleasant. my route took me past st. dominic's on bush street. and i went in (couldn't resist the ambiguity) and talked to myself - not to a higher anything. i was there for no longer than a minute and all i did was ask myself to simply trust in the choices i had made.
this is, after all these meandering words, where i wanted to end up. now, i'm on my way to the party.
that said, i miss my friends incredibly, especially those with whom i had daily contact and close relationships; i miss the city of san francisco and the ease with which i knew it and could navigate it; and i miss the way i lived my life, the places i visited regularly, the knowing what to expect, more or less, when i woke up.
"fairness" is a word i struggle with, but often for my own meanings i cannot find a better one. it's not fair to judge 27 days against years of building a life. it's not fair to romanticize the past, at times quite emotionally painful, and view all those events simply as "lessons learned" through the rose-colored glasses of hindsight. it's not fair to trash all the hopes i have for this move because i write this from a make-shift desk in the living room of the house i grew up in worried about having regressed instead of having moved forward.
there's plenty to be excited about. my attempt at self-employed web development is coming along better than i had imagined and have plenty of work to keep me busy. i've secured an apartment in the city of chicago and move in may 1st (or even before, depending on when the current tenant departs). i've hung out with good friends and begun the reconnection process with the few i have regretted losing contact with. i've spent time with my family, especially my sister, which is something i've been wanting to do more regularly for a long time.
so where's the problem if this move is something i've been wanting and everything is going as good as can be? well, the answer, i suppose, resides in the fact that the "me" who left is still the "me" who arrived. it's unfair of me (there's that word again) to expect that i'll have adjusted by now to a life i haven't lived in several years - despite the strong internal desire to incorporate aspects of a place (read: home) i've sincerely missed.
the truth is i was never quite comfortable in california. never really felt i could make it permanent. unfortunately, as my time here now has surpassed all previous visits since i left 9 years ago, i am remembering i was never quite comfortable in illinois either - which is probably why i left. i'm unsure how to reconcile all of this. and i'm concerned that working from home will isolate me, at least at first, in a city that i grew up around but have no intimacy with. will i really read and write more as a result of living alone, achieve the focus in those areas that i've desperately wanted? or will it turn into a place where i stay stagnant, that allows me to second guess and regret past failures unchecked?
[there was a quotation i was going to put here about self-forgiveness that i can't find in my miscellaneous documents, but that would have been such a cheesy way to tidy up this post and only just barely better than a "we'll see. time will tell" cliched conclusion].
in the face of doubt, nowadays optimism comes so pre-packaged that if you're half-way intelligent you don't even mean to but you view it skeptically looking for the cracks some QA conveyor belt operator overlooked. and you take something that is actually pretty damn good yet note all its flaws, put it back, and go out in search of something else. or at least i do. and what i mean is it's not easy to trust yourself.
i'm not at all religious and since high school i've only walked into church voluntarily once - yes, for a homework assignment with catholic elements, for christmas, for easter, etc - but just one time for no external reason. i was on my way to a housewarming party in russian hill and had decided to walk the few miles as the night was warm and pleasant. my route took me past st. dominic's on bush street. and i went in (couldn't resist the ambiguity) and talked to myself - not to a higher anything. i was there for no longer than a minute and all i did was ask myself to simply trust in the choices i had made.
this is, after all these meandering words, where i wanted to end up. now, i'm on my way to the party.